Annette Bresler explores the power of family and friendship through her childhood photos and evaluates key components to a successful relationship.
Annette Bresler
Growing up, our parents would never pry, overstep, or sneak and go through my brother’s or my belongings. They always held firm trust in us and believed that we would do the right thing, even if it was not always a straight path to get there. They never yelled when ketchup splattered on our shirts or when we tripped and fell clumsily, acquiring little scratches and bruises. They let us be kids and make our own mistakes even if they had to bear with us for a while. They never asked too many intrusive questions, but instead waited until we informed them ourselves. They took us to Disney every five years and made sure that our childhood was better than theirs. Every Friday — to this day — we always have a family dinner that consists of a sappy rom-com, or a thrilling action movie accompanied by mouthwatering takeout food. Our parents made sure to instill family values in us early on so that we could take them with us for the future. They never skipped an opportunity to do homework with us after an exhausting day of work. They never judged or made us feel unworthy. Their patience and understanding are absolutely priceless and have helped our relationship blossom into a friendship over the years.
FIGURE 1
It is well known that we choose our friends, however, we have no control over choosing our family. Family is a social group that we are born into, with only having genetics, ancestors, and a last name in common. Whether or not that relationship grows stronger and forms into a friendship depends on the bond formed over time between the parent and child. In the beginning, the parental relationship corresponds to superiority, however, as a child matures, the relationship becomes one of mutual support and equality, factors that constitute a friendship. My parents have always tried to maintain a healthy and balanced relationship with my brother and I,helping it flourish into a friendship as we grew older. My goal is to explore and capture the development of the familial relationship between father and son, using my father and brother as my subjects.
FIGURE 2
Familial relationships simply stem from a biological factor: genetics. The baseline role of dictating what the child can and cannot do. In Aristotle’s analysis on the different types of friendships, he compares the relationship between child to parent to that of human beings to God. He explains that “The friendship of children to parent, like the friendship of human beings to a god, is friendship toward what is good and superior” (Aristotle 46). As discipline and boundaries begin to come into play when the child is young, the parent is considered the superior, while the child is inferior. In Figure 2, my brother is vulnerable, naive, and helpless, just like any newborn child. He was born purple-looking, with an umbilical cord wrapped around his neck causing bradycardia. Within seconds, the doctor unwrapped the cord, causing his heart rate to return to normal. What was supposed to be a joyful and heartwarming experience, turned into a terrifying one. This reinforced the notion that it is a parents’ responsibility to nurture and protect their child because a child, like my brother in this situation, is not capable of surviving on their own. The parental relationship starts out as a utility friendship because the parents have something to gain from the relationship. Aristotle states, “For the parent conferred the greatest benefits, since he is the cause of their being and nurture and of their education once they have been born. This sort of friendship also includes pleasure and utility, more than the friendship of unrelated people does, to the extent that [parent and children] have more of a life in common” (Aristotle 46). This means that one party benefits or gains pleasure from the other. In this case, the parents get pleasure from loving and nurturing their child. In Figure 3, both of my parents are smiling from ear to ear and are very excited to give all their love to my brother. In Figure 4, we can see that at this point in the relationship, my parents are gaining pleasure from loving and nurturing him, while benefiting from knowing that he came from them.
FIGURE 3
Mothers have something to gain from a maternal relationship. According to Aristotle, a mother finds joy in just loving her child, without having to feel loved in return. “But friendship seems to consist more in loving than in loved. A sign of this is the enjoyment a mother finds in loving” (Aristotle 40). The love and care are simply one-sided in parental relationships when a child is young. In a friendship, both parties are expected to nurture the friendship and love and care for each other. With maternal relationships, that is not the case because the child is still incapable of loving and caring for the mother like she does for them. Similarly, fathers benefit from paternal relationships as well. According to Aristotle, “Paternal friendship resembles this, but differs in conferring a greater benefit, since the father is the cause of the children’s being, which seems to be the greatest benefit, and of their nurture and education” (Aristotle 44). This means that a child’s father will always be honored, respected, and considered superior because he “created” the child. This mindset is outdated; however, a father usually does become his son’s role model and his job is to educate his son in certain life tasks. My father taught both me and my brother how to drive, use complex tools, assemble items, prioritize, be innovative, and to have thick skin. My mother taught us how to foster creativity, value education, cook independently, and stay persistent. Overall, both of our parents taught us to disregard other people’s negative opinions and to have faith in ourselves. In both paternal and maternal relationships, the mother and father endure different experiences while parenting.
FIGURE 4
Friendships consist of equality, which is something that parental relationships lack in the beginning.According to Aristotle, “Equality and similarity, and above all the similarity of those who are similar in being virtuous, is friendship” (Aristotle 40). This means that equality and similarity are key factors in a strong friendship.
FIGURE 5
Friendship is also based on reciprocal loving. Aristotle explains, “Loving would seem to be a feeling, but friendship a state. For loving occurs no less towards soulless things, but reciprocal loving requires decision, and decision comes from a state; and what makes [good people] wish good to the beloved for his own sake is their state, not their feeling” (Aristotle 36). Once a child matures enough, they can make their own decision about whether they want to turn this relationship into a friendship by reciprocating love and care to the parent. In Figures 5, 6, and 7, my brother is developing a trusting and admiring relationship toward our father. He is beginning to look up to him and trying to accomplish the same things. In Figure 8, we see safety, security, and trust. My father is acting as his son’s “safety net” and protector, allowing for my brother to feel that he can try new things and venture out of his comfort zone, while still being able to depend on someone. Friends are people that one respects, trusts, confides in, and chooses to interact with. Friendships are built on honesty, support, equality, and loyalty. A familial relationship can fit all these categories once a child matures, which takes time. “The length of time also matters. For a parent becomes fond of his children as soon as they are born, while children become fond of the parent when time has passed and they have acquired some comprehension or [at least] perception” (Aristotle 45). Aristotle’s generalization seems to be consistent in my brother’s case. When a child is evolving into a teenager, their relationship with their parents begins to shift. It transitions from a parental relationship based on guidance, to a friendship based on independence and mutual support. Since parents are the first ones to influence their children, they often expose them to activities that they themselves enjoy or engage in often. This exposure allows for a child to decide what they enjoy as well, giving them a taste of freedom and independence. According to Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D., “People within a family share common experiences, common memories, and a common history and ancestry,” therefore, making it easier for the child to grow closer to the parent. In Figures 9 and 10, we see father and son partaking activities that they both enjoy, thus creating more common interests, building memories, and forming a stronger bond.
FIGURE 6
The parental relationship sets the stage for all other relationships throughout a child’s life. Relationships between friends, romantic partners, and parents overlap and complement each other. According to the article "Adolescent Development,” “Links between qualities of friendships and romantic relationships, as well as between familial and romantic relationships, have been documented”(Collins, Hennighausen, Schmit, & Sroufe, 1997; Feldman, Gowen, & Fisher, 1998). Parents nurture their child and provide the framework for their future friendships and romantic relationships by teaching them how to interact with the social world. As the child gets older, they begin to test boundaries, establish their independence, and explore their freedom. This results in arguments which in turn, teaches forgiveness to both the parent and child. In Figure 11, my father and brother have a disagreement, however, it is resolved quickly, and they end up wrestling for fun.
FIGURE 7
Parental relationships provide safety and security, influencing the child to pursue a friendship with the parent. When a child grows up with their parents, they are familiarized with each other, making it easier for them to feel more comfortable around one another. According to the study Journey of Family Issues, “Close relationships with parents serve as the secure foundation for adolescents’ navigation of the external world. With such support, young people have more security and confidence to meet challenges in other domains—negative peer influences, school changes, academic pressures—and to successfully complete the developmental tasks of adolescence—identity formation, learning of responsibility, formulation of mature relationships” (Dornbusch 1989). Familial friendship allows for a child to feel secure enough to branch off and make other friendships, as well as to confidently face challenges in the external world. Without having this “safety net,” children are unable to cope with the fast-paced changes in their lives or adapt to new responsibilities and environments (Journey of Family Issues). Having a strong familial bond allows for a child to feel confident in trying new things and taking on new interests. In Figure 12, my father begins to become dependent on my brother and needs his help, therefore, allowing their friendship bond to grow and become stronger. My brother is no longer fully dependent on our father and is now starting to establish his independence. This allows for their relationship to shift into one of mutual support.
FIGURE 8
As my brother grew older, I have noticed how the relationship between him and our father has developed into more of a friendship. It is not fully developed yet, however, they now share more things in common. They began to exercise together and motivate each other. At this point, my father holds full trust in his son to assist him with heavy sports equipment while exercising. He is gradually teaching him the proper form, techniques, and exercises for him to learn and even apply them to future workout sessions with his social circle. As they exercise, my father plays motivating music, thus introducing my brother to various types of music that our father listened to when he was younger. Exercising together allows for numerous jokes, laughs, and memories. I have discovered that a close familial bond depends on the personality of the parents and the nature of their parenting. Friendship between parents and children take a long time to develop and must be constantly maintained, just like any friendship. Familial bonds set a strong precedent for the confidence and quality of relationships that a child develops throughout life. I have noticed that having a “safety net” makes a significant difference in a child’s confidence level and fosters bonding experiences between the parent and child.
FIGURE 9
With the continuous support from our father, my brother took up karate, swimming, and kickboxing, and is gradually continuing to try his hand at new things like meal preparation. As he is becoming older, he is developing a growing interest in exercising, which is now an activity that him and my father enjoy together. He is also making many new friends in high school and creating a social life for himself. I have learned that the main purpose of family is to provide the child with a secure base from which they could branch off and explore the world. While I have observed arguments between my brother and our father, I have also noticed that they did not last too long. After an argument, they always end up laughing it off, forgiving, and moving on. That is the fascinating thing about family, while friends can parade in and out of your life, family stays with you for a lifetime because the bond that is created over the years is irreplaceable and completely worth the effort.
FIGURE 10
FIGURE 11
FIGURE 12
FIGURE 13
References
1.Collins, W. Andrew, and Brett Laursen. “Changing Relationships, Changing Youth: Interpersonal
Contexts of Adolescent Development - W. Andrew Collins, Brett Laursen, 2004.” SAGE Journals, journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0272431603260882?casa_token=gl-
xuv_uqc0AAAAA%3AAZZnAFuO LgzbcCccERVkZfLnBap9jGRIe8aIpTTW_3z3bsYmjMr6tfYwf4jEguqRn9JsWau5A-5Aw&.
2. Crosnoe, Robert, and Glen H. Elder. “Family Dynamics, Supportive Relationships, and Educational Resilience During Adolescence - Robert Crosnoe, Glen H. Elder, 2004.” SAGE Journals, journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0192513X03258307.
3.“Different Types of Relationships.” Assertbh, www.assertbh.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/ Different-Types-of-Relationships.pdf.
4. “Friendship Among Siblings: Embracing the Uniqueness of Familial Bond.” Biola University
Center for Christian Thought / The Table, 27 June 2017, cct.biola.edu/friendship-among-
siblings-embracing-uniqueness-familial-bond/.
5. Natali, Carlo. Aristotle: Nicomachean Ethics. Oxford University Press, 2009.
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